23 February 2009

AT LEAST 85 rappers alive better than Lil' Wayne

So, I was letting the standard rapper boasting slide when it was just coming from Weezie. It's understandable, and accepted as de rigueur for the form. But after having to put up with Kanye for so long, and now having to stomach the mainstream actually buying into and supporting this tripe, I just couldn't take it anymore. You can push a man just so far. And please, won't someone think of the children? Thus, the below list.

A note on the numbering: Except for the two cats at #1, it's completely arbitrary - I'm only numbering them to drive home the point with a huge, Charles Martel-sized hammer. As for those two gentlemen - I've spent the better part of 20 years trying to decide who's on top, and change my mind every six months or so. Thus, the tie.
As for everybody else, the list was just an angry stream-of conscious rant until I couldn't think of anyone else off the top of my head, and my hands cramped. You didn't have to be the best to make it, jes better than weezie.

And I think all of these cats are still alive, though I'm not really sure on #'s 17, 38, and 51. Even if they are dead, I'm certain that their rotting, festering corpses could spit something better than "Rodney King baby, come and beat me like a cop". I know ODB still can. (R.I.P., Big Baby Jesus, R.I.P.)

I am sure I've left out some deserving fellows. Please send me a shout-out with any additions you'd like to see, and I'll update and add them in. I'd love to see this list grow longer.

Now, as for you, Lil' Wayne....let me make this as clear as possible, you mush-mouthed dwarf: Your cavorting & capering may amuse, but you (and your rhymes) are trash, plain & simple, and the dust-bin of history is only waiting to sweep you away.

1) Kool G. Rap

1) Rakim

3) Jean Grae

4) MF Doom

5) Kool Keith

6) Del tha Funkee Homosapien

7) Mos Def

8) Talib Kweli

9) Pharoe Monch

10) The GZA

11) Raekwon

12) Ghostface Killah

13) Method Man

14) Biz Markie

15) Styles P

16) Jay Z

17) Craig Mack

18) Redman (Doc!! Reggie!! Brick City!!)

19) Slug

20) Nas

21) Sage Francis

22) Lateef

23) Lyrics Born

24) Gift of Gab

25) Chief Xcel

26) Special Ed

27) Aesop Rock

28) Pete Rock

29) CL Smooth

30) Prime Minister Pete Nice (ok…this one is debatable)

31) MC Serch

32) Dizzie Rascal

33) Saigon

34) Reks

35) Lupe Fiasco

36) That cat from Das FX

37) Big Boi

38) Kid Frost

39) BluePrint

40) Paris

41) Ice Cube

42) Yella

43) MC Ren

44) Big Daddy Kane

45) Kool Moe Dee

46) Eminem

47) Eyedea

48) Cee Lo Green

49) Havoc

50) Prodigy

51) King Tee

52) Trick Daddy

53) Murs

54) The Grouch

55) Eligh

56) LuckyIam

57) Scarub

58) Bicasso

59) Sunspot Jonz

60) Aesop the Black Wolf

61) Arata

62) Jeru the Damaga

63) Snoop

64) Warren G

65) The D.O.C.

66) Chuck D

67) Black Thought

68) Malice

69) Pusha T

70) Phonte

71) Big Pooh

72) Scarface

73) Chali 2na

74) Akil

75) Zaakir

76) Mark 7even

77) El-P

78) Vast Aire

79) Too $hort

80) Mr. Lif

81) J-Live

82) Posdnous

83) Trugoy the Dove

84) Pasemaster Mase

and.........85) C-Murder (who, you may be interested to know, was convicted of murder.)

Rest assured, Mr. Dorfman: I may be lost in the AK, but it is still a Hip-Hop Nation up in this b*tch.

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